"I laughed so hard, I lost control of my bowels. Not only that, but I was in a Banana Republic changing room trying on khakis at the time."

--Ron "Aneurysm" Laramie

A motivational enthusiast, Ron Laramie wrote the book on auto-non-erotic asphyxiation.

"His writing makes edible crotchless panties look classy. Selwood truly is the 'rusty trombone' of American letters."

--Portia Fontana

While many boast, Portia Fontana actually does "get more ass than a toilet seat." She credits Moet, Chandon, Derrida, and the "stark intellectuallity" of her houseboy.

"After reading his work, I started to feel real bad about killing my mother and burying her under the trailer. The smell is just disgusting. Yesterday, I stole a fifty pound bag of quicklime from Home Depot and poured it over the hole, but it doesn't help."

--Sims Covington

Giving new meaning to the phrase "double wide pride," Sims Covington enjoys Ted Nugent, leaded gas, and mentholated cigars.

 "I had sex with the author down on the beach during Spring Break. He lasted about thirty seconds, then yelled 'BOOYAH!!!' at the top of his lungs and tried to high-five me before heading back to the bar... at least he said he was the author…"

--Brandi Champlaign

The toast of the Florida Panhandle, Brandi Champlaign plans to study Adult Film Set Decoration at Oral Roberts University in the Fall.

"I threw his book away almost as soon as I found it under the sofa in my hotel suite at the Bellagio. Someone had left a used condom wedged between the pages."

--Ricardo "Atlantic City" Vegas

Ricardo "Atlantic City" Vegas is the only man in Reno who plays Baccarat with a sock instead of a shoe.

 "Despite the unfettered brutality of his quasi-humor, Selwood lacks rigor—both in his excessive use of the pluperfect tense, and in his ethnocentric employment of the intransitive."

--Dr. Isolde Zeitgeist (Professor of Polysyllabic Enunciation at the Coll├Ęge de 'pataphysique)

Dr. Isolde Zeitgeist instructs beef industry lobbyist Austin Laredo Houston in the gastrointestinal benefits of an all crustacean diet.

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